Jokes That Have Been Emailed to You - Ad Here

[Garner]

i dont understand number 5 :/

edit: i just googled layaway - i get it now lol

[Garner]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course my child.. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits,
and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you 'I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my
waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' Next!

Have a great day!!!

[Security]

This one comes from a IRC chat instead of my email:

<The_Unknown> omg
<The_Unknown> a movie with stallone, mr T, and hulk hogan can't go wrong
<iluvatar> unless its porn

[mugen]

lol security and garner those are funny

[midjit]

a little brown paper bag isnt feeling too well so off he goes to the doctors wher the doctor says to him
'ill have to run some tests on you'
so he cuts a corner off the paper bag and asks him to come back in a week for the results.

a week later the paper bag comes back and says
'so whats up with me then doc??'

doctor: 'im afraid you have aids'

paper bag: 'thats not possible,i always practice safe sex!'

doctor: 'well your mum must have been a carrier!'

[midjit]

this one was actually a txt:

'iiiiss ttthat tthe ppperson wwwho sssold mmme ttthe ssseccond hhhand vvvibrator?? hhhow dddo yyyou ttturn ttthe ff****in ttthing ooof!!!

[Silk]

Haringey council has blocked Tottenham's plans to build a new ground on Northumberland Park. A town hall source said: "We don't mind having a funfair there once a year, but a circus every fortnight is a bit much."

"I was playing Scrabble and had enough letters to make 'Tottenham Hotspur Football Club'. I was gutted when I found out it was only worth two points."

Tesco are releasing new Oxo cubes in Spurs colours. Customers are told to look out for laughing stocks.

A young boy goes to social services and tells them he has nowhere to live. "What about your parents?" asks the social worker. "No, they beat me," says the boy. "What about your grandparents?" says the social worker. "No, they beat me even harder!" says the boy. "Well ... where do you want to stay then?" replies the social worker. "Tottenham," says the boy. "They don't beat anyone.

· What do a toothpick and Tottenham have in common? They both have two points

Juande Ramos, shortly after another training session, comments to the head groundsman at White Hart Lane how impressive the pitch is looking. "It ought to," replies the groundsman. "We put 70 million quid's worth of manure on it every week."

I just went down to the newsagents and bought Tottenham Hotspur magazine. Thank goodness they had porn mags to hide it in.

· What does a Spurs fan do after he sees his team win? Turns off the Xbox

After leaving San Siro, Jose Mourinho was asked if he was going to help Spurs get out of their slump. He turned around and said, "No way, I ain't that special".

Apparently the entire Tottenham squad have been busy honing their skills playing the computer game Championship Manager. Sadly it seems Juande misunderstood and thinks they want to play for a Championship manager.

Contrary to what you may think, Spurs are the strongest team in the league at the moment. Sure, aren't they holding everyone else up?

What do the Premier League and a cowboy have in common? They both have spurs at their feet.

A man was found dead floating in the Thames, wearing a blond wig, full make-up, bra, knickers, suspenders and a Spurs shirt. Before informing the next of kin the police removed the Spurs shirt to save the family embarrassment.

What would an improved version of Spurs be called? Newcastle United.

Did you hear that Juande Ramos was clocked doing 169mph on the M1 coming back from Stoke? Apparently he was just so desperate for three points.

· Is it just me or are Spurs the team to beat this season? Everyone's at it.

A man is sitting in a pub with his jack russell dog one Sunday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner: "Stoke City 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1," reads the announcer. Suddenly the jack russell jumps up and shouts out, "Oh, no, not again." The shocked landlord says, "That's amazing. Why did he say that when it was announced that Tottenham lost?" "Because he's a Spurs supporter," the dog's owner replies. The landlord then asks what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him six months."

When a groggy Vedran Corluka regained consciousness in the ambulance leaving the Britannia Stadium on Sunday he asked medical staff who he was. On being told he played football for Tottenham Hotspur he lapsed into a coma.

All trains through White Hart Lane have been cancelled due to a massive points failure.

What's the difference between Juande Ramos and a cowboy? A cowboy wears Spurs on his boots whereas Ramos is a crap manager.

What does THFC stand for? Tottenham Heading For the Championship.

A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gives the ball to the shopkeeper, who says, "Sorry, son, this ball is £20. You only have £10". The boy says, "OK, if you blindfold me and I can guess the name of the club on any ball, will you give it to me for £10?" He agrees and gives the boy an Arsenal ball. "I can hear cannons blasting, so it's an Arsenal ball." Next he gives him a Millwall ball: "I hear lions, so it's Millwall." Amazed, the shopkeeper says, "Get this and you can have it for nothing." The boy listens and says Spurs. The man asks if he's heard a cockerel. "No," says the boy. "It's going down."

What's the difference between Bigfoot and the Spurs defence? Bigfoot has been spotted several times.

Spurs have been forced to rename their ground "White Lane" because their "Hart" was surgically removed when Berbatov and Keane were sold.

[VikingRaider]

OK - my go for the tasteless joke award...


After a night oot on the piss, two birds wake up in a graveyard the next morning. Both are dying for a pish, one wipes her arse with her knickers and the other uses a wreath from a gravestone.
That night their husbands are having a pint together down the pub. One says to the other, "i duno what to think, went to give the missus a lickoot this morning when she came home and she had nae pants on!"
"Thats nothing!" says the other, "Mine had a note in her fanny saying "thanks for all your hard work from all the guys at the fire station!"




Two cowboys are talking about shagging. One says to the other " I like the rodeo position best"
"Whats that?" asks the other.
"Mount your girlfriend from behind, then reach round, cup her breasts and say "these feel just like your sisters". Then try and hold on for 30 seconds!"




Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to
talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.


One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."





Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?



























Ask your mum.




Lord Blythe of Montesque was in bed one evening, when he heard a noise coming from downstairs. Taking his shotgun, the plucky lord stealthily crept downstairs and headed in the direction of the library from which he could see a light moving around.

He crept into the library, snuk around the bookshelves and shouted "Right, hands up you robbing bastard, or I'm going to redecorate my library in your brains."

There was a sound of a book dropping, and Lord Blythe saw his butler Jeeves put his hands up and turn around.

"Jeeves, what the bloody hell are you doing?" asked the surprised lord.

"Well sir, it's a bit embarrassing. I'm looking up a word I heard earlier today only I can't seem to find it in any of your dictionaries."

Lord Blythe put dowm his shotgun. "What word Jeeves?"

"It's a bit of an odd one sir. It's Foxpaw..."

"Foxpaw?... Hmmm... Aha - you mean Faux pas?"

"Could be sir. What does it mean?"

"Hmmm... Well Jeeves... Need to think of an example... Ah - I know. You remember my daughter's husband had hurt himself on a thorn the other day?"

"Yes sir."

"And when we were at dinner in the evening, my daughter said to him 'hows the prick', and he said 'still throbbing;, and you said 'f*ck me' and dropped the custard... That Jeeves is a Faux pas."

[Wilson]

With Due respect

I humbly write to solicit for your partnership and assistance in the transfer and investment of my inheritance fund USD$17.5M from my late father who died mysteriously last Dec.

It was very evident that he was poisoned to death. In my culture, when a man dies, if he does not have a male child, the brothers shares his property leaving both the wife and the daughters empty handed including the house they live in. This is the exact case with me as I am the only daughter of my father. I lost my mother when I was barely a year old and my father refused to re-marry another wife because he felt solely responsible for my mother's death.

This is so because he concentrated much on his businesses that he rarely pays attention to domestic affairs. He was always travelling taking care of his businesses that he did not notice when my mother took ill. He thought it was a minor illness and was ignorant of this. My mother on her own resorted to self-medication. It was not until the illness degenerated that my father took my mother to hospital where she was diagnosed to find out that hypatitis had eaten deep into her blood stream. She didn't last long before she died.

This happened when I was barely a year old. Based on this, my father could not forgive himself easily because of it and said he was responsible for her death as he could have saved her if only he had paid attention to the things at home rather than concentrating much on his businesses.

Despite all entreaties by friends and relatives, he refused to remarry but ensured that I had everything that I wanted. It was as a result of this that he made me the next of kin to his fund deposit with the bank and stated that in the event of any eventuality, I should have a direct access to the fund only when I am 24 years of age otherwise, I should have a guardian/partner intercede on my behalf for the release of the funds to me. Unfortunately, he died late last year and I am 21 years of age currently.

This is why I have contacted you to serve as a guardian to me and as my foreign partner for the transfer and investment of the fund overseas My uncles does not know about the fund because they had already taken my father's houses and other properties because I am a girl and they said I do not have rights for any property. They have requested to have my father's bank papers but I simply told them that I do not know where he kept them.The younger brother took the house in the village while the houses in the town were sold out they shared the proceed they got from the sale. Right now,

I am with a friend of mine and do sincerely want to travel out of my country. This can only happen when I have secured the release and transfer of the funds in the bank.This why it is important that we have a plan on the type of lucrative business that we can invest the funds on.

I had at various times had discussions with the director of international remittance unit of the bank where my father deposited the funds and I was assured that once, I have someone who would be willing to receive the funds on my behalf, they shall commence all proceedings to effect the release and transfer of the funds into the person's designated account.

Now, that you have signified your interest to partner with me, it would only be very necessary if you contact the bank and request for the release and transfer of my inheritance fund into your nominated account for the purpose of investment and to further have me come over to your country to continue with my studies.

I shall be giving you the bank's contact details as soon as I hear back
from you so that you will go ahead and contact the bank,

Your urgent response will be appreciated,

Talk to you the more.
Sincerely,
Mariam Abdullah