Jokes That Have Been Emailed to You - Ad Here

[Silk]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story incidentally)

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity.The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.


American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin,
like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.


You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:..............





















"Defrost the chicken.

[Pottsworth]

whats the difference between michael jackson and a carrier bag?
Ones made of plastic and is a danger to childern, the other one is a carrier bag.

Now time for an unpopular one with a small section of the board (sorry vicky)
Whats the difference between BSE and PMT?
Ones mad cows didease, the other is an agricultural problem!

[Silk]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the nearest
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing the Lord, she asked, "Is My Time Up?" The Lord said, "No! You have
another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman
decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a
tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might
as well look good. After her last operation, she was released from the
hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed
by an ambulance. Arriving in front of the Lord again, she demanded, "I
thought you said I had another 40 some years? Why didn't you pull me out of
the path of that ambulance?" The Lord replied, "Girrrlllll, I didn't even
recognize You!"

[Silk]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she
had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
send you a cheque. By the way don't worry about my bulldog, he won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot! I repeat, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

There was silence for a moment. Then the parrot screeched, "Get him, Spike!"

[Pottsworth]

a burglar is in a house one night, stumbling around in the dark.

As he walks into a room he trips over something and hears a voice screach "who goes there"
he freezes for a second, before wispering "who was that"

"Mohamed the parrot" a voice replys.

the burglar chuckles slightly, "ye right, who would call a parrot mohammed"

"The same kind of people who was call a rotweiler moses"

[Silk]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example
one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either........

[dr stealth]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep.
Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars. What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it`s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small ! ! and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."

[dr stealth]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the pig say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 yr. old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied,

"your under arrest!"

[Silk]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over
and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing Himself
stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes
his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n
dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the
Pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch
dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the prot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag Out of
which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

[Silk]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


(Are you ready? This is a beauty)















































My stupid computer! keeps saying,
"YOU'VE GOT MAIL."