Jokes That Have Been Emailed to You - Ad Here

[Silk]

When I take a long time I'm slow When my boss takes a long time he's thorough

When I don't do it I'm lazy When my boss doesn't do it he's busy

When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I do something without being told, I'm overstepping my authority When my boss does the same, that's initiative

When I take a stand, I'm being bull-headed When my boss does it, he's being firm.

When I overlooked a rule of etiquette, I'm being rude When my boss skips a few rules, he's being original

When I'm out of the office, I'm wandering around When my boss is out of the office, he's on business

When I'm on a day off sick, I'm always sick When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I please my boss I'm crawling When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating

When I do good, my boss never remembers When I do wrong, my boss never forgets........

[Silk]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice a! t the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[Silk]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I
want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by
cheque. "I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write
it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's
no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I've just
had?"

[Silk]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.
They all suffer from a severe stutter, which must have mad conversation difficult.... "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady. "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui................."
Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th
th.................."

Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to
serve someone else.

She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.

"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.

And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th
ththth...........".

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.

"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch." "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the
Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.
"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb." "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.

"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman. "London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads
him upstairs.

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off
her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her
panties then climbs into bed.

Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and
then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out "...............- D D D D D Derry!!

[Silk]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[FreetargeT]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it
be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and
the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By
the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident. ... Enjoy!


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[FreetargeT]

[FreetargeT]

[FreetargeT]

[FreetargeT]