Jokes That Have Been Emailed to You - Ad Here

[Silk]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each
day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided
that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she
never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent play time with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and
quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband
in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her
house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.

"No way!" the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

[Silk]

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years..

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4.
You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason
for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have an e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9"
to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors out number permanent staff! and are more likely to get long-service awards. AND..............

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends".

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.

[Silk]

An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a
smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and
arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi
Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the
booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are
able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a
stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my
first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one
wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted
10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had
to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only
take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon
led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the
world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may
have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20,
but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man,
you are also very brave", the Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what
is it to be?" the Sheik asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[aky]

HAHA THATS A BEAST THAT 2ND ONE!

Edit - Mine wasnt in an email but was someones sig on a forum i go on.

How did the Yorkshire Ripper get his name?
Coz he was in a newsagents and got offered a Mars Bar but replied
"No but I Could murder a Yorkie!"

[Silk]

1.. You go to drop off one person to the airport, but you take 50 extra
people with you.

2.. Your entire family runs the marathon when they see a dog
(calmly walking on the other side of the road)

3.. Your cousin is said to have "gone abroad to get married", but you
know he's doing time in prison

4.. You were taught never to talk to strangers at primary school,
yet your parents force you to call a complete stranger "Auntie"

5.. Your uncles crack jokes that aren't even funny

6.. "Vicks" is your cure to every illness

7.. You somehow think you're related to Prince Naseem Hamed.

8.. Your remote control is still in its plastic packet

9.. You use your religion to get yourself out of almost anything e.g.P.E,
class discussions, debates, etc.

10.. You secretly meet your boyfriend/girlfriend in the most
obvious places (e.g. your front garden) and expect NOT to get caught by your parents.

11.. "GET YOUR BACK-UP DOWN" and "KICK OFF!" is your solution to
every problem.

12.. You studied A' Level Maths but still think it's possible to fit 100
people into 1 car.

13.. You wear sunglasses in hail, sleet and snow.

14.. You accuse the shopkeeper of being racist when he kindly asks you
pay for your packet of crisps.

15.. Your mobile phone "just happens to ring" when you see a
member of the opposite sex.

16.. You hire a convertible in mid-December.

17.. You secretly watch "ZEE T.V." but pretend you've never heard
of it.

18.. "My mate wants to check ya!" is secretly your chat-up line

19.. Your car is better than your house

20.. You think you're part of the MAFIA, yet you study Law

21.. You seem to think that this list DOES NOT apply to you

22.. You become obsessed with a member of the opposite sex, ring their
house everyday, follow them home and get rejected (you then ask out
their best mate)

23.. You think it's a sin if you admit you've revised before an exam

24.. You wonder why the person you fancy doesn't come over
when you and your mates scream, "Yo! Come over 'ere!"

25.. At the age of 30, you still think you can get away with
paying child fare on the bus

26.. You have a telephone at home but nobody is (ever) allowed to
use it

27.. You find a photo of a man with bushy hair, white shoes and
sunglasses you ask who he is and find out it's your uncle

28.. Your wear DKNY yet your mum buys material from Slough Market

29.. You've failed your driving test 6 times, but you've been driving
for the past 3 years

30.. In the primary school nativity plays you were always the
donkey in the background (and if you were extra lucky, you were given the part of the villager)

31.. You're related to your husband/wife even before you've
married them

32.. The bus never stops for you

33.. You're the last person to see your wedding card and the person
you're getting married to

34.. Even your underwear is designer

35.. You dance at a complete stranger's wedding (and claim you are a
distant relative)

36.. You somehow think you were involved in Tu Pac's death

37.. You drive your car around the same spot for 10 years playing
music that was out in '95

38.. You achieve A*'s in every subject and your parents tell you to
STUDY HARDER

39.. Your car is better than your house

40.. Universities let you in for Medicine just by looking at you
ao

41.. You are offended by this list and you're going to make a
complaint about it

42.. At home you have a butcher's knife which is bigger than your
head

43.. Wilmslow Road is like a second home to you 44.. There is
a tub of "PRIDE GHEE" and a sack of "TILDA BASTMATI" in
your hallway

45.. Your mum asks you what you want to be when you're 6 six years
old and you say, "a Bollywood Superstar". Ten years later you're still saying
the same thing

46.. You can't go to certain places because your Uncle works there

47.. You think you're life is just ONE BIG INDIAN FILM

48.. You somehow think you are a member of the F.B.I and therefore
have to have code-name for everything e.g. T.P.

49.. You seem to think that an ordinary car is a racing car and ordinary
roads are racing tracks, thus explaining why you speed around
thinking you're Damon Hill

50.. You were forced to watch Indian films during your childhood,
and then your parents wonder why you lack in intelligence

51.. You are over-dressed for every occasion and seem to take it
as a joke when someone calls you "Garry Glitter"

52.. You hardly ever take prescribed medicines because your
parents have their own herbal cures at home

53.. Unknown "relatives" start ringing your house on the day that
your exam results are coming out

54.. You are unable to open your front door because of the pile of
shoes blocking the way

55.. Your Auntie has permed, dyed, damaged hair

56.. Your parents have a PANIC ATTACK when something dirty comes
on t.v.

57.. A member of your family claims that they once used to live in
the Taj Mahal

58.. You have 3 hobbies: CHILL, CHILL and CHILL

59.. You have to offer guests tea even before they've stepped into
your house

60.. You address every other Asian person on the planet as "your
cousin"

61.. You think you have the ability to take on the entire police force

62.. You dress identical to your friends and your favourite
colour is black

63.. Girls: Your brother thinks he's your dad

64.. Your wedding takes place in either a community centre or a
crappy restaurant on local school

65.. You know how an Indian film will end even before it's started
(you still watch it)

66.. You're related to your doctor

67.. You go to a wedding with an empty car, but on the way back
you end up giving the entire population of the wedding a lift home (and you
haven't seen half of these people in your life)

68.. At school, your parents were never aware of Parents' Evening
(and if they did attend Parents' Evening and you got a bad report, you told them that the teachers were all racist)

69.. You arrive late at every party

70.. At weddings the cameraman only ever cameras you when you're eating

71.. Your phone line has been cut off at home, yet you own more
than one mobile phone

72.. In primary school, your parents forced you to wear a glittery
jumper with cats on it

73.. In high school, you teacher kept asking you if you were
"forced to do things"

74.. In college, you either witnessed or were involved in a fight

75.. In University, you went to a Bhangra gig that ended with a
big fight involving weird men wearing glittery pants and tacky golden earrings

76.. Your dad wears big, tinted-coloured sunglasses from the 60s
(don't even get us started on the yellow shirts)

77.. The closest you can get to appearing on Ricki Lake is CAF? 21

78.. Your parents find no criticisms in an Indian film where some
guy jumps off a cliff and jumps back up again, people burst into song
when their relatives are dying, evil politicians rule the world, and even the
police don't give a crap (and then they wonder why you prefer to
watch "Eastenders")

79.. At parties, you wear more glitter and sparkly bits than a
Christmas tree

80.. You get over-excited when you see another Asian person on
t.v.

81.. You have attended every MELA ever organised

82.. You accuse your cousin of fancying you

83.. You lie to your parents about where you've been

84.. You know the name of every Asian person in College/University, and they know your name but you never let on

85.. You know the lyrics to every Indian song ever written, but you
deny it

86.. You come home to the sounds of Asian Sound Radio 87.. Your
parents force you to listen to old Indian/Ghazal songs 88. Your
auntie always wants you to have a secret relationship with her son/daughter

89.. You are constantly being compared to every other Asian kid on
the Planet You pronounce English words in a typical accent when speaking to
your parents e.g. toilet: "Toylat"

90.. You never go to the library "to work"

91.. Your phone number is x-directory

92.. A member of the opposite sex simply says "hello" and you accuse
them of stalking you

93.. You receive phone numbers from complete strangers (either that or
you're handing your number out to complete strangers)

94.. You own a gold chain with your name engraved on it

95.. Guys: you lock your sister up and then go out chilling yourself

96.. You have cousins that you've never even heard of

97.. At Bollywood superstar concerts you're more interested in the
people in the audience than the actual stars performing the show

98.. You wonder why people stare when you hire out a grand limousine for
a wedding in a run down community centre located in the middle of
nowhere

99.. You have received a prank phone call at least once in your life

101.. When celebrating a religious festival, you suddenly feel the need
to scream and shout, dance on top on restaurants, cars and even your friend's shoulders for that matter

[Silk]

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: There are some things even a blonde won't do.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!
Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
A: "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!"
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: It's the only car name they can spell.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces herself.
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex ?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A: She drops her bag of chips
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

[Silk]

JACKO MEMORIAL JOKE 1:
Michael Jackson is being investigated for drugs.
During the Neverland raid, police found class As,
class Bs, and all the male members of class 5C.

JACKO MEMORIAL JOKE 2:
Where's Michael going on holiday?
He's off to Tampa with the kids.

JACKO MEMORIAL JOKE 3:
What did the woman on the beach say to Michael?
"Excuse me, but you're in my son"

JACKO MEMORIAL JOKE 4:
How do kids at Neverland know when it's bedtime?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

JACKO MEMORIAL JOKE 5:
What does Jacko have in common with a Big Mac?
They're both old meat between young buns

JACKO MEMORIAL JOKE 6:
What does Michael hand round after dinner?
The under-eights

JACKO MEMORIAL JOKE 7:
What does Jackson have in common with whisky?
They both come in small tots

JACKO MEMORIAL JOKE 8:
Good to see Jacko dangling his kid off the balcony.
Usually he just tosses them off.

JACKO MEMORIAL JOKE 9:
What do Michael and Wal-mart have in common?
They both have boys briefs half-off

JACKO MEMORIAL JOKE 10:
Jacko's wife has just given birth to a baby boy.
"How long before we start having sex?" asks Michael.
Doctor: "I'd wait until he's at least 14"

[Silk]

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.

She meets Howard and they begin to chat, and before they know it,
several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred
and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" and he
replies, "Sex!!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why, you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it
for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood, and holds it in her hand. Afterward, they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they can sit and talk
and Mildred will hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard doesn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decides to find Howard and make sure he's OK. She
walks around the senior citizen home, where she finds him sitting by
the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who is holding Howard's
manhood!

Furious, Mildred yells, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don't have!?"

Howard smiles happily and replies, "Parkinson's."

[Silk]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."